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Our friend Aaron Torres from http://www.aarontorres-sports.com/ has written a humorous fake interview featuring Lane Kiffin and Urban Meyer. With the big game coming up, and all of the pregame tension from the offseason comments, this is pretty much how I think the interview would go down, heh. Enjoy.
With Tennessee and Florida set to kickoff Saturday at 3:30, the media has spent a lot of time speculating on the rivalry between the two head coaches involved in the game: Urban Meyer at Florida and Tennessee’s Lane Kiffin.
But do they really dislike each other as much as reports indicate?
With only days until kick off, the coaches mutually agreed to get together and clear the air, once and for all explaining the past, with an eye toward the future.
When each asked me, Aaron Torres, to moderate the get together, I gladly accepted. The stipulation being however, that due to intense media scrutiny, the whereabouts of the meeting be kept secret between the three of us.
With our date and meeting spot set, each showed up promptly at 8 a.m. Wednesday, Kiffin in his trademarked, un-tucked, slightly wrinkled white Tennessee polo shirt and visor, and Meyer arriving seconds later in the same blue Florida windbreaker that he wears every Saturday on the sidelines.
While things got off to a predictably shaky start, something surprising happened right around the half way point…
The following is a direct transcript of the conversation among the three of us.
Urban Meyer sat down exculsively with Aaron to talk about Saturday's game with Tennessee
Aaron: Gentlemen. It’s an absolute honor to be here, and a privilege to moderate this conversation. With Saturday’s game only days away, I know both of you have a lot that you’d like to get off your chests.
The first question goes to you Coach Kiffin. You wasted little time putting a target squarely on your team’s back, when just seconds after being introduced as Tennessee’s new football coach, you spoke of embracing many of the school’s traditions including, “Singing ‘Rocky Top,’ all night long after we beat Florida.”
Talk about an opening statement!
Now you’ve waited a long time to defend yourself. Go ahead and explain to Coach Meyer and the world, why you started off your career at Tennessee with these comments.
Kiffin: Aaron, when I came in here, I had to shake things up, and quick.
Now listen, I have nothing but the utmost respect for my predecessor, Coach Phil Fulmer and his staff. But this league is full of progressive coaches. You’ve got Les (Miles) at LSU, Coach Saban, and of course Coach Meyer.
But when I got to Tennessee, it was like walking into a coaching time machine, like none of the advancements in the game over the last several decades had been taken seriously by the previous staff.
There was a projector in the film room, charts everywhere on how to defend the wishbone. Last year’s playbook actually appeared as though it had been typed on a typewriter. And worst of all, the head coach’s office- my new work space- smelled awful, like moth balls. Moth balls, Aaron!
Heck I had to spend my whole first day on the job tracking down a cleaning crew to get the smell out. I spent more money to get my office back to normal than I did on my entire coaching staff.
Aaron: And we all know what you paid them!
Kiffin: Exactly Aaron, this place was unbelievable! I half expected to go into the equipment room and see leather helmets. I wish I was joking with you right now.
Aaron, did you know the first day I moved into my office, I found a “Best of Buddy Holly,” record in my desk?
A record! I said to myself, ‘Where the heck am I coaching?’ Buddy Holly’s been dead for 50 years! They haven’t even made records for 30 years.
Meyer: Hey I think I’ve seen that record at my parent’s house.
Kiffin: Thank you coach! It was like the guy thought it was 1972 and he was coaching against Bryant and Vaught.
So that was my introduction to Tennessee football. See why I had to ruffle some feathers? How am I supposed to close on recruits in a place that smells like a mortuary?
Aaron: Well coach, I’m glad you just said that. Because speaking of recruiting, on Signing Day of this year, you accused Coach Meyer of an NCAA violation, when he called Nu’Keese Richardson- a former Florida verbal commitment, who ended up at Tennessee- while he was taking an official visit to your campus.
It was later revealed that this actually wasn’t an NCAA violation, but from that point on, many assumed your relationship with Coach Meyer to be tarnished forever.
Now to you Coach Meyer. While you didn’t break any rules, isn’t there some kind of protocol where you probably shouldn’t have called a kid while he was on another coaches campus?
Meyer: Certainly.
Obviously, Nu’Keese was committed to us at the time of his official visit to Tennessee, but I wasn’t bitter, these things happen all the time.
But here’s the truth. Just the day before he was set to leave for Knoxville, Nu’Keese got his wisdom teeth pulled. Stupid I know, but the truth. And when you do this recruiting thing long enough, you get to know a kid, get to feel like he’s one of your own.
Well going in, I knew how nervous Nu’Keese was about the procedure, that he didn’t like needles or the Novocain. He didn’t want any part of it, but I convinced him for safety’s sake he’d better go through and get those teeth out.
Again, it’s needless to say, but I was worried for Nu’Keese. I knew how much he was dreading operation.
Anyways, the reason I called?
Well Nu’Keese promised me that when his plane touched down in Tennessee he’d go ahead and give me a quick call, just to let me know how he was feeling and that everything was ok. I knew he was visiting another school, I didn’t want to tamper, just wanted to make sure everything was fine.
Well the hours begin to pass, and I don’t hear from him. And when Nu’Keese says he’s going to call, he always does.
Kiffin: Even if it’s an NCAA violation!
(Room goes silent)
What I was kidding!
(More silence)
Aaron: Coach Meyer, continue…
Meyer: Like I was saying, Nu’Keese always calls when he says he’s going to. He had me worried sick all weekend. I waited and waited, and finally I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I took the plunge and called him.
Was I wrong? Sure, but I’m a father and my paternal instinct was kicking in. I couldn’t help it.
Now Coach Kiffin, I know you had to play things up to your boosters, make me out to be the bad guy. But admit it, that’s how it happened. You and I both know that Nu’Keese had just gotten those teeth out only hours before he flew to see you.
(Kiffin slowly sipping on a diet coke, before laughing, causing his drink to spill everywhere)
Kiffin: Boy oh boy. You’re right coach, I can’t lie. Nu’Keese was so swelled up that weekend we hardly noticed him when he got off the plane. The poor kid looked like a squirrel getting ready for winter.
It’s pretty funny, because to this day, Dad (Lane’s father Monte is the defensive coordinator at Tennessee) still calls him “Rocky.” Not like the boxer, but you know, like that cartoon squirrel. We even played a clip of the TV show one day in the film room, got the whole team cracking up! Of course I don’t think Nu’Keese thought it was funny. But he played along, he was a good sport.
Aaron: That’s actually pretty funny coach. I don’t mean to interrupt but did you know Nu’Keese was going in for surgery that weekend? Could his trip have been rescheduled?
Kiffin: Did we know? Of course we knew! That’s the whole reason we brought him to campus that weekend. It was Coach O’s (assistant head coach Ed Orgeron) idea, I’m a little embarrassed I didn’t think of it myself.
Man poor Nu’Keese was so out of it, we could have gotten him to donate a kidney if we wanted to. But that’s the recruiting game, survival of the fittest.
(Looking over at Meyer) Sorry coach.
Meyer: It’s ok. That’s actually a pretty good story.
(Chuckling) Of course we might have to put up an extra 50 points on you just for telling me that!
Kiffin: (Looks down, shakes his head)
Lane Kiffin had some things to clear up before Saturday's game against Florida. That's why he called Aaron to discuss
Aaron: Well let’s talk about this weekend’s game. From wha-
Kiffin: Aaron, before we get to this week’s game, I absolutely need to clear one more thing up.
Aaron: Of course Coach, please by all means.
Kiffin: Alright it has nothing to do with Florida or this Saturday’s game, but I’ve got to apologize for something else I said. It’s about the state of South Carolina.
Aaron: Oh, you mean your comment to Alshon Jeffrey? How you told him he’d be ‘Pumping gas someday, like everyone else from that state who goes to school at South Carolina?’
Kiffin: Listen, I love Alshon like a son, and I wish him nothing but the best at the University of South Carolina. I mean that.
Just another huge misunderstanding. I love South Carolina. Love the people. Love the beaches. Hell, (wife) Layla and I had our honeymoon in Hilton Head. Time of our lives.
What everyone’s got to understand is that I didn’t mean pumping gas as a bad thing. It was metaphorical. You come to Tennessee you’ll be playing in the NFL. You go to South Carolina, well who knows…
And who said pumping gas is a bad thing? Heck, I bet you didn’t know that in New Jersey it’s actually illegal to pump your own gas. Lots of good men working those stations up there. Bet you didn’t know that did you Aaron?
Aaron: Actually, I used to date a girl from New Jersey. But thanks for bringing up the awful memories.
Coach Meyer, do you have any thoughts on those comments?
Meyer: Funny you bring it up Aaron.
We were at the coaches meetings in May and me, Saban, Danny (Mullen, head coach at Mississippi State) and some guy named Gene snuck out to play 18 one morning. Not quite sure who this Gene guy was, said he had some affiliation with Auburn, but didn’t look particularly familiar to me. Maybe he was a graduate assistant or something. Whatever, we needed a fourth.
So anyways, we’re on maybe the 16th or the 17th and it’s a tight match. Saban’s lining up a putt, and just as he’s getting ready to hit it, Danny shouts out, “Hey don’t miss this putt, or you’ll be pumping gas the rest of your life!”
(Meyer, Kiffin make eye contact and start laughing hysterically. The mood in the room lightens. After taking a few seconds to catch his breath, Meyer continues the story.)
The four of us started dying right there on the green. Even got a chuckle out of Saban, and I haven’t seen that guy laugh since ’06 when we showed him that YouTube clip of the bear jumping on a trampoline.
Basically that turned into the quote of the weekend. We’d be in the rent a car and I’d say to Danny, “Don’t miss this turn or you’ll be pumping gas someday.” It was classic.
(Meyer takes a pause, his smile turning serious)
Now, would any of us have ever said that to a recruit? I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d never dare go there.
Would we take a cheap shot at Petrino? Sure who doesn’t? Will I joke about Bowden playing checkers at the nursing home an hour before kickoff? You’ve got to keep things light with these kids.
But pumping gas? That’s all you coach!
(More laughter)
Aaron: Alright it’s time. Saturday at the Swamp. Coach Kiffin, it’s your first time.
What are your thoughts?
Kiffin: There’s going to be a lot of points scored. At least on one side of the field!
(Light laughter, and then a slight pause, as Kiffin’s face turns serious and he goes into coach speak auto-pilot)
But no seriously, our football team has a great challenge ahead of us.
Will we be the favorites? Of course not, we’re playing the best team in college football. Tim Tebow maybe very well be the best quarterback this sport has ever seen.
And Coach Meyer…
(pausing for dramatic effect)
Well you’re the guy that we’re all trying to be in this business.
Meyer: (Slowly breaking a smile) Enough already coach. You’re making me blush.
Kiffin: No seriously, you’re the best.
Aaron: Coach Meyer, blushing aside, your thoughts on Saturday?
Meyer: Well I’ll have a uniform ready for Nu’Keese, just incase he wants to switch teams at halftime. Is recruiting a player midgame a violation coach?
Kiffin: (Let’s out a laugh) Don’t make me call (SEC Commissioner) Mike Slive. I know how much he’s dying to hear from me.
Meyer: But all joking aside, it’s going to be a great game this weekend, they’ve really got some great players over there at Tennessee.
And coach, I don’t care if you never beat me your entire career, you can’t be any worse than Corpse…err…Coach Fulmer.
I’ve never told anybody this, but I felt so bad for that guy that I actually gave my assistant coaches the entire fourth quarter off last year in Knoxville.
Aaron: No way!
(Kiffin looks on, jaw hanging)
Meyer: I’m being serious Aaron! It was bad. I had Charlie Strong, our defensive coordinator, put on a Springsteen CD in the press box, and we just put our feet up and jammed out to the Boss in our headsets for 15 minutes. Let me tell you, that day it was great, to be, a Florida Gator!
Aaron: Who called the plays?
Meyer: We let Tim (Tebow) and Brandon (Spikes) do it. Figured what the heck? If it got close we could always turn off the CD and refocus. We knew it wouldn’t happen though! Oh Fulmer, I’m gonna miss that guy.
Aaron: Wow Coach Kiffin, I guess Saturday’s new goal should be just to keep Coach Meyer’s headset on until the final whistle. I’m assuming of course it doesn’t bother you that just recently, one of Florida’s players called you a “bozo”?
Kiffin: That’s nothing. Those guys should hear what my wife calls me!
(The room again bursts into laughter)
Meyer: You know coach, I’m glad we did this; you’re not such a bad guy. I like you so much, I may even take out my starters before the last series of the game on Saturday.
(Silence, fills the room)
Nawww!!! Just kidding!
(For one last time the room erupts)
Aaron: Coach Kiffin. Coach Meyer. It’s been my pleasure! Thank you for letting me host you, and I’m glad we clarified everything! Best of luck to both of you Saturday!
(While I get together my notes on the meeting, the two coaches shake hands, as Kiffin throws his arm around Meyer’s shoulder and the two leave the room, laughter filling the air.)
You can find this original article here: http://www.aarontorres-sports.com/?p=1045 |
