National Signing Day is less than two weeks away and this weekend the Gators are hosting their biggest recruiting weekend to date. A number of top prospects are drinking in all that Gainesville has to offer. If you don’t know by now, recruiting is serious business. If you don’t believe me, look at the number of recruiting websites there are. Not to mention the number of people who are paid to talk about the futures of 17 & 18 year old boys. Recruiting is the life blood of any program. Missing out on a big time prospect can set a program back 5-10 years. Just look at Albalmalba. In 2006, they came oh-so-close to landing Tim Tebow, but missed out and they’ve never been able to recover since.

Florida currently has 18 commitments and will likely finish with a class between 25-29. According to the big three recruiting sites (Rivals, ESPN, Scout) Florida’s current class ranks in the top 10 in all of them and class rankings mean EVERYTHING! I take my recruiting just as serious as anyone else. That’s why I’m going to breakdown each of the remaining prospects on Florida’s board.

1. Avery Johnson, WR: Consensus 4-star recruit. Position rank: 42nd by Rivals, 23rd by ESPN, 40th by Scout. Currently committed to LSU, but has shown interest in Florida lately. Would be a surprise if he landed in this class.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Pump my fist.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: Blow it off. No big deal. He’s committed to LSU. Can’t expect a kid to change his mind this late in the game.

2. Avery Young, OL: 4-Star recruit according to Rivals & ESPN, 5-star according to Scout. Position rank: 9th by Rivals, 8th by ESPN, 5th by Scout. If you watched just one game from this past season, you know Florida’s offensive line was…how do I put this gently…FUCKING WORSE THAN SUPER AIDS. So picking up Young is vital.

Considering: Florida, Auburn, Georgia.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Legally change my 4-year old son’s name to Avery.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: Find him on Twitter and tell him what a piece of shit he is.

3. Dante Fowler, DE/LB: 5-star by Rivals. 4-star by ESPN & Scout, Position rank: 3rd by Rivals, 10th by ESPN & Scout. Currently committed to FSU. Fowler would play the Buck position in Muschamp’s defense. This is a need after the Gators missed on Jordan Jenkins, Tyriq McCord, and Noah Spence.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Call all my FSU friends and politely ask them how my ass tastes.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: He’ll probably sign with FSU, so what do I care? He’s not that talented anyway. Really didn’t want him to begin with. He’ll be nothing more than a second-stringer up in Tallahassee. Whoever Florida signs at the Buck position will be way more talented than this kid.

4. Darius Hamilton, DE: 5-star by Rivals and Scout, 4-star by ESPN. Position rank: 2nd by Rivals, 9th by ESPN, 6th by Scout. Son of former New York Giants DT Keith Hamilton. Hamilton is listed as a defensive end, but could play the Buck position or grow into a defensive tackle.

Considering: Florida, Rutgers.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Get his face tattooed on my chest.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: Hurl a brick through my neighbor’s window. I mean, Rutgers, dude? You’re going to choose Rutgers over Florida? Now I’ve seen everything in recruiting. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

5. Josh Harvey-Clemons, LB: 5-star by Rivals & Scout, 4-star by ESPN. Position rank: 2nd by Rivals (as an athlete) & Scout, 1st by ESPN. Tall, skinny linebacker who could add some pounds to his frame if he’d just eat a sandwich or something. The extra weight could give Florida’s linebackers some much needed size.

Considering: Florida, Georgia.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Erect a statue of him in my front yard. Tell the homeowners association to fuck off when they come around giving me a hard time about “that eyesore on my lawn”.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: Hold a school bus full of children hostage and demand that Harvey-Clemons apologize and admit that he was wrong for not signing with Florida.

6. Nelson Agholor, WR: 5-star by Rivals, 4-star by ESPN & Scout. Position rank: 3rd by Rivals, 6th by ESPN, 5th by Scout (as a safety). He’s the next Percy Harvin. Andre Debose was the next Percy Harvin, but who cares about him right now? We’re all talking about Nelson Agholor right now and Nelson Agholor is the next Percy Harvin until another shifty athlete comes around then he’ll be the next Percy Harvin. Unless Percy Harvin somehow gains eligibility and comes back to school, then he would be the next Percy Harvin. Oh my God, you guys, we really need somebody to dress up as Percy Harvin to fill the void he left in all our lives and more importantly in our offense. WOULD SOMEBODY JUST BE AS GOOD AS PERCY HARVIN????? HOW HARD IS THAT?????

Considering: Florida, Southern Cal, FSU

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Get drunk and put my dick in things until I pass out.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: Go to the school he signed with and burn it to the ground.

7. Stefon Diggs, WR: 5-star by Rivals & Scout, 4-star by ESPN. Position rank: 2nd by Rivals, 3rd by ESPN (as an athlete), 2nd by Scout. Would be a huge get. Arguably the 2nd best receiver in the country behind the freak of nature that is Dorial Green-Beckham. Landing Diggs would be a wonderful consolation prize for anyone who didn’t land DGB.

Considering: Florida, Auburn.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: See Nelson Agholor plus fireworks and a parade.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: See Nelson Agholor plus I will piss on the ashes afterward and kidnap the school’s mascot.

8. Tracy Howard, CB: 5-star by Rivals & Scout, 4-star by ESPN. Position rank: 1st by Rivals & ESPN, 4th by Scout. Florida has pretty good depth in the secondary and is hauling in another impressive secondary class this year headlined by Brian Poole. However, Tracy Howard is one of those players that you make room for. He has enough talent to come in and compete for a starting spot as a true freshman.

Considering: Florida, LSU, FSU.

What I will do if he signs with Florida: Make amends with all the people in my life that I’ve wronged. Change my outlook on life. Become more positive and helpful. Tell the people around me that I love them more often. Enjoy the little things more. Do more charity work.

What I will do if he signs elsewhere: Squeeze the life out of the smallest, cuddliest animal I can find. Put it in a box and mail it to his family.

Other names on Florida’s board: DE/LB Alex McCalister, DE/LB Bryan Cox Jr., QB Jacob Guy, OL Jake Meador, QB Paxton Lynch, FB/LB Schyler Miles, QB Skyler Mornhinweg, DT Vincent Valentine. These players are no more than 3-star players, therefore are not worthy of donning the orange and blue. This is the University of Florida where only the best and brightest recruits need apply…well, the best, at least. Tutors are available to help with the brightest part. I ask that all 3-star recruits and below take their marginal talents to any school in the Big East or ACC where they can thrive in mediocrity. That gold USF helmet looks good on you son! It screams, “I run a 4.8 40 as a receiver and enjoy playing my bowl game at Tropicana Field!”

For more Gator Sports satire, follow TUG (@UnsportsmanGent) on Twitter.